I think She Knows...

March 29, 2010

 

 Its strange growing up in a world where i didn't no what a gay person was, not because it was hidden from me but because i didn't no any...It's funny how even though I didn't no it myself, now i look back I'm sure my mum must of known from the beginning.

When she first tried to breast feed i bit her (well as well as I could with no teeth) that was probably the first sign.

 

Growing up though I think it was totally obvious, I had more female friends, every-time I brought a friend home for tea it was a girl, never a girlfriend just a friend...saying that I did have girlfriends-but it doesn't count when you aged 4-9.

 

I don't think my mum was concerned though, it was her that bought me a doll and pram (my brother had one too so he didn't feel left out), she also bought me a dance mat when I was about 12 too (I always brought the girls home to play on it too)

Growing up was really hard as I didn't fit in at all, I was the shortest kid in the year with the highest voice..constantly bullied for it and always given verbal abuse about my sexuality (even though at the time I didn't no it myself)

I think I was about 14 when i realised who i was, it was a really hard time as i kept going through different feelings about it, from acceptance, to hate to even feeling like some sort of freak, and with people constantly calling me a 'gay boy' it really wasn't helping me come to terms with it...

When I finally left school it was the biggest relief of my life, I thought that was it and I wouldn't have to put up the the homophobic abuse anymore...I was wrong, even though it wasn't as much I was still teased in collage about it, which resulted in me only staying for a year..

 

It took me over 3 years to eventually come to terms with who I was, and even then I was scared to tell anyone as I was nervous how they would respond...

It was a hot summers day in 2007 and I was out with my best friend Leanne, I was determined to tell her...and as close as I am with Leanne it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life...even then I couldn't say the word 'gay' out loud, so she kinda had to fill in the blanks of what I was trying to say...Thankfully she made no big deal of it (she could clearly see I felt awkward enough as it was) and the subject was changed so we could enjoy our day out.

I'm pleased I told her first as she is a special friend to me and I hope I mean as much to her as she does to me.

Once I had told Leanne, the next person I wanted to tell was my mum, that took even longer, in fact it was over a month after telling Leanne.

 

She knew I had something on my mind as i was following her all day...'What do you have to tell me' she said, I was so nervous I couldn't speak, eventually she started guessing things (are you ill or in trouble) things like that...eventually she asked if I was gay? I couldn't even answer her, I broke into tears...she grabbed me and gave me a big hug 'Don't worry I still love you loads' she said...

There are many parents out there that just cant accept it when there child 'comes out' but I'm glad to say my mum is brilliant about it.

Being gay isn't a life choice, its who I am and there is no reason why I should be something I'm not just because some small minded people are scared by something they don't understand.

People are often shocked to hear me say that if given the choice I wouldn't be gay, that is not to say that I am not happy with my life as I am, but the torment of growing up and the homophobia that is still present in the world scares me. I am one of the lucky ones who has a supportive family and friends, but some gay people are not that lucky.

 

A few months after I told my mum I asked her if she ever thought i was gay before??and just as I had suspected.....she always knew.

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